Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
