Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
