he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
