drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
