You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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