please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
