I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
