You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
