Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Green mimosas i think yes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
