I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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