how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
