Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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