My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
