I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
