Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
