I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
