The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
