I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
