Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
