I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
