Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
