mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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