I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
