im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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