dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
