At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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