i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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