Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
