the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
