She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
