shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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