I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
