My first STD was from a foam party
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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