I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it's great music for shaving your balls
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
