I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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