i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
