It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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