Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
