all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
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