Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
