Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
