Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
