I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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