Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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