The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There r osticjed everywhere
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
