I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
