Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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