I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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