I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
