cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
where are my eyebrows?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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