You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
