i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
