So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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