fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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