I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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