sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
