piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
